Monday, July 14, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
"I Hate All of You" (from the best of craigslist - lots of swearing, btw)
All I can say is WOW. This person is aaaaannnngggry!
Sometimes I feel this way...like maaaaybe 2% of the time.
****************************************************************************************************************
I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.
I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.
Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.
Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.
Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.
Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.
Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.
Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.
Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.
I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.
Sometimes I feel this way...like maaaaybe 2% of the time.
****************************************************************************************************************
I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.
I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.
Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.
Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.
Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.
Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.
Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.
Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.
Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.
I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Lists
Taking a cue from my friend Andreas, I came up w/ my own list of 50 things I'd like to do before I leave this life. A lot of my list is similar to his. No, I didn't copy his list. Ok, maybe I did, but then I added/removed a few here and there. (sorry Dre, hope you're cool w/ that)
Wanna join me?
Wanna join me?
1. Sing on an album
2. Become a yoga teacher (not just getting my cert, but actually using it...and not at 24 hour fitness, I've already done that and that doesn't count)
3. Renew my personal trainer cert (things change after 18 years, eh?)
4. Go to cooking school
5. Ride in a hot air balloon (jump out of one?)
6. Study dance in another country (Singapore doesn't count)
7. Ride a camel
8. Swim with dolphins
9. Have a child...or maybe adopt one and raise it well
10. Play with a circus
11. Speak more than 1 language (swearing in Swedish doesn't count as 2 languages)
12. Write a book...or a novella
13. Go to a Man United match - oh wait...I saw this when I worked for Nike...never mind
14. One handed hand stand - which I used to be able to do, but now? Not so much.
15. Paint...and paint well
16. Have a photography show
17. Name a star after somebody I love
18. Live in Europe or somewhere outside of this country...again
19. Take my partner and/or kid on a bike trip around Ireland
20. Be able to continue to flip around...w/o consequence
21. Climb a big wall...period
22. Have an orchard/ vineyard and sell the produce
23. Ride a train across country
24. Take part in an archeology dig - oh wait...I did this too...in Idaho
25. Go to Africa
26. Hike the narrows at Zion
27. Learn what all the cloud formations are named
28. Run a marathon - no, on second thought, scratch that. I don't do running.
29. Research my ancestry
30. Busk my way around Europe and beyond
31. Get to know a homeless person
32. Dance around a maypole - does the stripper pole count? Cuz I've done that.
33. Hop a train
34. Spend all night walking around a foreign city
35. Visit Jerusalem
36. Go caving (spelunking)
37. Go to India - outside of the Bombay airport, that is, and travel
38. Learn to sew properly, w/o losing one's temper
39. Bike across the U.S.
40. Paraglide
41. Spend a day riding around with a cop
42. Open a swiss bank account
43. Party at Stonehenge
44. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef (before it disappears)
45. Learn to hoop on my stilts
46. Get my PHR cert before the end of the year
47. Learn to ride a unicycle
48. Watch the space shuttle take off
49. See the northern lights in Alaska
50. Die gracefully
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Jaysus we're "old" (it's a state of mind, baby)
**THIS IS A LONG POST**
So...in case you hadn't heard, I took off for Orlando this past weekend for my 20th high school reunion.
That's right, I said TWENTIETH.
Which means I graduated in 1988. Remember the 80's? Um...yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe I remember most of it.
In any case, I flew out of SeaTac on Thursday afternoon and landed at LAX, where I had a 4 hour layover.
FUN!
Good thing I had my laptop. And a book.
At 945pm the lovely folks at Delta Airlines had us board the plane to Tampa.
I got stuck at the VERY back of the plane.
When I say "the VERY back" I'm talking about the VERY last row. No shit either. Like right by the loos.
And it was a full flight, which meant that there would be people next to me.
And the guy next to me was loading up on margaritas. I swore under my breath that if he started to annoy me I was gonna shove my book down his throat. Good thing he passed out.
This was starting off GREAT!
Again, good thing I have my book.
After what seemed like an eternity (4 hours, so not that long), we touched down at the Tampa Airport a half hour before our scheduled arrival.
READ: 530AM.
I shot JL a text and woke her up. Whoops.
So as not to bore you, I'll just lay out the weekend in "shorthand".
- 530am arrive in Tampa on zero hours of sleep
- 630am go to grocery store w/ JL to find sustenance, b/c if I didn't, i was going to swallow her child whole and I hadn't even met him yet
- 7am make corn muffins for said child, so when he wakes up he has food
- 8am login to work laptop
- 803am realize that it's really 5am on the west coast, but continue to assault people w/ emails anyway
- 830am realize that i'm covered in plane scum and go take shower and try to look human
- 9am back to emails
- 905am pass out on keyboard due to no sleep the nite before
- 10am wake up to phone buzzing
- 1005am put head back down on bed and stare @ screen simultaneously
- 1045am sit up, momentarily
- 11am get everything organized to go
- 1115am lay back down
- 1pm get on road to Orlando in the Wagner family mobile - aka the Honda Element w/ JL, baby Reid, and Tomoko, their nanny (Tom is on way to Orlando from Sarasota at this time)
- 215pm arrive Orlando, realize I've nodded off for 40 minutes and am kind of drooling on myself, plus I have a sore neck
- 230pm attempt to check into hotel room
- 240pm success! early check in!
- 330pm head to pool w/ laptop, continue to work in 90 degree heat
- 4pm ditch laptop, break camera out, and go say hi to people
- 6pm leave pool to get ready for bar time
- 730pm run into everyone @ the eclipse bar downstairs
- 830pm stomach starts seriously growling, and I get a bit cranky-pants due to lack of food
- 845pm rally the troops to get food, venture into "downtown Disney", end up a place called Bongo's, a Cuban restaurant, proceed to order fish, get meal, chow down, and become uncomfortably full
- 1030pm leave Bongo's, run into more people and chill outside for a bit, people watch
- 11pm Kelly and I make it back to hotel, see everyone else arrive
- 1145pm find green tea
- 130am after socializing & drinking tea, head to hotel room
- 230am wake up to what I can only imagine labour pains might feel like in my stomach, know that it's food poisoning of some sort
- 232am run to loo and hang out there for a bit
- 245am do what I have to do
- 250am throat starts to close up, eyes start to swell shut....WHAT THE F*CK??? In panic, text C in Seattle b/c at this point I'm kind of pissed off/freaked out this is happening
- 330am too tired to care, lay down and hope for the best, continue to wake up throughout the nite to check on swollen eyes
- 840am Saturday morning - awake to Nathalie saying "We have 15 mins to get downstairs for breakfast!"
- 915am meet peeps in lobby, head to breakfast, attempt to hide the fact that my eyes look like something out of a freak show
- 1030am go to store to pick up eye drops and allergy meds
- 11am pop meds
- 1230pm pass out w/ laptop on stomach
- 345pm wake up to phone buzzing
- 350pm run out door to meet JL & Tom for lunch in downtown Disney
- 530pm head back to hotel to get ready, notice that eyes are almost normal now (phew)
- 715pm Nathalie and I head to reunion
- 715pm - 230am SOCIALIZE, TAKE PHOTOS, REMINISCE, TALK SMACK, EAT (I don't really drink so much, it was water for me that nite)
- 3am try to sleep
- 830am wake up
- 10am breakfast @ pool w/ people who aren't at a) Disney/Epcot, b) on a flight home, or c) passed out somewhere
So all in all, it was a pretty mellow weekend, but really really good to see everyone. I can't imagine going to school here in the US - everyone hates each other here, whereas my crew is pretty tight.
Next get together? Am crashing class of 1990's 20th reunion. Who's w/ me?
So...in case you hadn't heard, I took off for Orlando this past weekend for my 20th high school reunion.
That's right, I said TWENTIETH.
Which means I graduated in 1988. Remember the 80's? Um...yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe I remember most of it.
In any case, I flew out of SeaTac on Thursday afternoon and landed at LAX, where I had a 4 hour layover.
FUN!
Good thing I had my laptop. And a book.
At 945pm the lovely folks at Delta Airlines had us board the plane to Tampa.
I got stuck at the VERY back of the plane.
When I say "the VERY back" I'm talking about the VERY last row. No shit either. Like right by the loos.
And it was a full flight, which meant that there would be people next to me.
And the guy next to me was loading up on margaritas. I swore under my breath that if he started to annoy me I was gonna shove my book down his throat. Good thing he passed out.
This was starting off GREAT!
Again, good thing I have my book.
After what seemed like an eternity (4 hours, so not that long), we touched down at the Tampa Airport a half hour before our scheduled arrival.
READ: 530AM.
I shot JL a text and woke her up. Whoops.
So as not to bore you, I'll just lay out the weekend in "shorthand".
- 530am arrive in Tampa on zero hours of sleep
- 630am go to grocery store w/ JL to find sustenance, b/c if I didn't, i was going to swallow her child whole and I hadn't even met him yet
- 7am make corn muffins for said child, so when he wakes up he has food
- 8am login to work laptop
- 803am realize that it's really 5am on the west coast, but continue to assault people w/ emails anyway
- 830am realize that i'm covered in plane scum and go take shower and try to look human
- 9am back to emails
- 905am pass out on keyboard due to no sleep the nite before
- 10am wake up to phone buzzing
- 1005am put head back down on bed and stare @ screen simultaneously
- 1045am sit up, momentarily
- 11am get everything organized to go
- 1115am lay back down
- 1pm get on road to Orlando in the Wagner family mobile - aka the Honda Element w/ JL, baby Reid, and Tomoko, their nanny (Tom is on way to Orlando from Sarasota at this time)
- 215pm arrive Orlando, realize I've nodded off for 40 minutes and am kind of drooling on myself, plus I have a sore neck
- 230pm attempt to check into hotel room
- 240pm success! early check in!
- 330pm head to pool w/ laptop, continue to work in 90 degree heat
- 4pm ditch laptop, break camera out, and go say hi to people
- 6pm leave pool to get ready for bar time
- 730pm run into everyone @ the eclipse bar downstairs
- 830pm stomach starts seriously growling, and I get a bit cranky-pants due to lack of food
- 845pm rally the troops to get food, venture into "downtown Disney", end up a place called Bongo's, a Cuban restaurant, proceed to order fish, get meal, chow down, and become uncomfortably full
- 1030pm leave Bongo's, run into more people and chill outside for a bit, people watch
- 11pm Kelly and I make it back to hotel, see everyone else arrive
- 1145pm find green tea
- 130am after socializing & drinking tea, head to hotel room
- 230am wake up to what I can only imagine labour pains might feel like in my stomach, know that it's food poisoning of some sort
- 232am run to loo and hang out there for a bit
- 245am do what I have to do
- 250am throat starts to close up, eyes start to swell shut....WHAT THE F*CK??? In panic, text C in Seattle b/c at this point I'm kind of pissed off/freaked out this is happening
- 330am too tired to care, lay down and hope for the best, continue to wake up throughout the nite to check on swollen eyes
- 840am Saturday morning - awake to Nathalie saying "We have 15 mins to get downstairs for breakfast!"
- 915am meet peeps in lobby, head to breakfast, attempt to hide the fact that my eyes look like something out of a freak show
- 1030am go to store to pick up eye drops and allergy meds
- 11am pop meds
- 1230pm pass out w/ laptop on stomach
- 345pm wake up to phone buzzing
- 350pm run out door to meet JL & Tom for lunch in downtown Disney
- 530pm head back to hotel to get ready, notice that eyes are almost normal now (phew)
- 715pm Nathalie and I head to reunion
- 715pm - 230am SOCIALIZE, TAKE PHOTOS, REMINISCE, TALK SMACK, EAT (I don't really drink so much, it was water for me that nite)
- 3am try to sleep
- 830am wake up
- 10am breakfast @ pool w/ people who aren't at a) Disney/Epcot, b) on a flight home, or c) passed out somewhere
So all in all, it was a pretty mellow weekend, but really really good to see everyone. I can't imagine going to school here in the US - everyone hates each other here, whereas my crew is pretty tight.
Next get together? Am crashing class of 1990's 20th reunion. Who's w/ me?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Egads
I leave for my 20th high school reunion on Thursday afternoon. TWENTIETH.
Jaysus.
I'm somewhat prepared for it. Gonna bring the D40 w/ me and take lots of pictures. Am skipping the DisneyWorld portion of it all b/c life size characters kind of scare me a bit and I'm not really interested in going. There are other things I'd rather go do. Like explore Orlando in the blazing heat and humidity. Which will be a big change from here. And God knows I need the heat and sun...I'm starting to freak out here a bit.
I've seen most of the people - a few years ago at another random reunion, so I imagine not that many people have changed...but I'm still curious to see everyone.
So say a little prayer and wish me luck this weekend cuz it should be interesting. I'll give you the rundown when I get back!
Jaysus.
I'm somewhat prepared for it. Gonna bring the D40 w/ me and take lots of pictures. Am skipping the DisneyWorld portion of it all b/c life size characters kind of scare me a bit and I'm not really interested in going. There are other things I'd rather go do. Like explore Orlando in the blazing heat and humidity. Which will be a big change from here. And God knows I need the heat and sun...I'm starting to freak out here a bit.
I've seen most of the people - a few years ago at another random reunion, so I imagine not that many people have changed...but I'm still curious to see everyone.
So say a little prayer and wish me luck this weekend cuz it should be interesting. I'll give you the rundown when I get back!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
"Excuse me, but what are you wearing?"
As I sat on the 730am bus this morning on my way to work, I took a good look around and realized that I'm pretty much the only one NOT wearing a suit and/or heels.
I'm in jeans, a dress I picked up at Buffalo Exchange that doubles as a shirt, a Buddhaful hoodie, and a faith hat by Faith Jennings (friend/designer from Portland). And Danskos w/ striped socks I got off ebay (thanks for the tip, Ariel!).
And everyone else is in a suit or slacks w/a button down, or skirts, and/or high heels.
It's no wonder people don't believe I'm 38, however, I like my weird style and I don't think I'm going to put on a suit ever again! I refuse to dress like I stepped out of a Macy's ad.
But does that mean I won't be taken seriously? Is appearance that important? Do I really give a rat's ass?
Not so much. I'm not changing into a stuffy outfit just b/c it's allegedly the norm.
You?
I'm in jeans, a dress I picked up at Buffalo Exchange that doubles as a shirt, a Buddhaful hoodie, and a faith hat by Faith Jennings (friend/designer from Portland). And Danskos w/ striped socks I got off ebay (thanks for the tip, Ariel!).
And everyone else is in a suit or slacks w/a button down, or skirts, and/or high heels.
It's no wonder people don't believe I'm 38, however, I like my weird style and I don't think I'm going to put on a suit ever again! I refuse to dress like I stepped out of a Macy's ad.
But does that mean I won't be taken seriously? Is appearance that important? Do I really give a rat's ass?
Not so much. I'm not changing into a stuffy outfit just b/c it's allegedly the norm.
You?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Furry5K
So this past Sunday I walked the furry 5k w/ fellow bloggers Tania, Tania's husband Chad, Bev, and Chris - actually, Chris ran and the rest of us walked. With our dogs. Most of you know I don't run unless I'm being chased. Or I run the distance b/w the couch and kitchen.
It was mayhem. There were dogs and people EVERYWHERE. It was fun!
And I got a nice little walk out of it and some great conversation w/ people that I don't know all that well. I heart them.
And Loki made it. I thought he'd lag behind after the 1st mile and have to be carried, but he was a trooper and made it all the way thru.
Mama proud.
**Loki after walking 5k.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
"Every Girl Ever"
Taken from Best of Craigslist. I couldn't stop laughing when I read this.
Behold...
Knock knock
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...
Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!
See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.
I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
Behold...
Knock knock
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...
Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!
See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.
I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
Rain rain go away
I feel like it's late fall. It's rainy, blustery, windy, and all around miserable.
And it's June.
Now, I likes me some rain. But not in June. It's starting to take a toll on my well-being. I don't like to bike in the rain, and I certainly don't like to move my shit in the rain either, but that's what I've been up against these past couple of days.
So I'm kind of living out of a suitcase. That part sucks. I can't find anything!
On the flip side, when I am done unpacking, hopefully I can get Kim over to help me w/ my interior decorating woes.
And it's June.
Now, I likes me some rain. But not in June. It's starting to take a toll on my well-being. I don't like to bike in the rain, and I certainly don't like to move my shit in the rain either, but that's what I've been up against these past couple of days.
So I'm kind of living out of a suitcase. That part sucks. I can't find anything!
On the flip side, when I am done unpacking, hopefully I can get Kim over to help me w/ my interior decorating woes.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
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